In Greek mythology, the goddess known as Nemesis functioned as a formidable and usually victorious opponent. Most of us literary types know the lady by another name. That name is Numbers.
This is the embarrassing fact: As a class, writers are arithmetical morons. With few exceptions, we have trouble making change from a $10 bill. We have not balanced a bank statement in years. Simple addition throws us into deep perplexity. Thus The Associated Press reported that Paula Jones’ suit against President Clinton had been settled for $850,000. The sum would be divided in this fashion: $283,000 for one firm of lawyers, $350,000 for another firm of lawyers, $100,000 for the Rutherford Institute and $200,000 for Ms. Jones herself. Yes.
The AP once told us about a forestry survey. The story dealt in part with 300-year-old trees that had "a circumference of 21 inches or more." The writer couldn’t tell an inch from a foot, or a diameter from a circumference. If such a tree were cut at the statistical 4.5 feet above ground, said a scornful reader, the stump would yield one polo mallet and two baseball bats.
We have trouble with geometry. In 1997 the AP described new digital TV screens that will be "more rectangular." That is, they will be less square. Informed that the probability of rain is 30 percent on Wednesday and 50 percent on Thursday, we look to the heavens for inspiration. Are the odds on rain better or worse? Shorter or longer?
Speak to us not of decimals. We suppose these are units for the measurement of sound . If told that 4x equals 2y, when ‘y’ equals 12, we smell a rat. It is our nature. Why should ‘x’ be six? It seems highly unlikely.
Today’s flagellation is prompted by letters from Anna Shaw of Cincinnati, Walter H. Drew of Florence, Ore., and Jill McKenney of Eugene, Ore. They all voice the same complaint against "times less." Ms. McKenney cites an AP story on Aug. 17 about automobile tires. Those with a certain nylon layer are "as much as five times less likely to fail" than those without the caps. "This is just awful," she writes. "Isn’t it?"
Yes, I guess it must be awful, because many mathematicians have written me to say so. In any event, the construction dates back at least to Jonathan Swift, who in 1711 "resolved to drink ten times less than before." The objection, as Webster’s Dictionary of English Usage describes it, is that "times" should not be used in comparing that which is less to that which is greater. Since "times" has to do with multiplication, it should be used only in comparing the greater to the smaller.
Ponder the following examples: An Orvis catalog promotes a corkscrew that is "three times easier to use than conventional corkscrews." Orvis also offers a pocket knife that is "a full 40 percent slimmer than the equivalent Swiss Army Knife." Columnist Molly Ivins cites a congressional finding that Mexicans pay "102 percent less" than Americans pay for prescription drugs. How do they do that?
The oil industry asks for access to 2,000 acres in the Arctic wildlife refuge. A spokesman remarks that this is "50 times smaller" than Ted Turner’s ranch in Montana. Time magazine tells us about a hypothetical crystal that would require "one million times less power" than other semiconductors. A food writer for the AP promotes synthetic crab that costs "about three times less" than natural crab.
A new concrete block, compounded mostly of air, is "five times lighter than standard concrete." New aluminum shingles weigh only 50 pounds per 100 square feet, "more than five times less than any other conventional roofing material." A pilot who flew fighters in the Gulf at 500 miles an hour now flies a plane that is "five times slower."
Various writers tell us about a micro guitar "20 times thinner than a human hair" and a cell phone that uses "1,500 times less power than a refrigerator." Princess Diana’s car was traveling at only 60 mph, says a wire service, "twice as slow as reported earlier." In Discover magazine we learn that a certain dinosaur probably weighed "less than half a ton -- several times smaller than D. rugosus."
Even a literate ignoramus can understand a plastic railway car that weighs half as much as a conventional steel car. It is the railway car that is "230 percent lighter" that baffles us. If we are to believe a reduction of 150 percent in teen-age pregnancies, how many teen-age pregnancies do we have? Fifty percent fewer than zero? Bad news for obstetricians.
This is my thought for the day. Men who exercise are 30 percent less likely to die than their sedentary twins. Regular churchgoers are 46 percent less likely to die than people who attend church infrequently or not at all. Praise the Lord and pass the seven-times table.
(Readers are invited to send dated citations of usage to Mr. Kilpatrick in care of this newspaper. His e-mail address is kilpatjj@aol.com.)
COPYRIGHT 2001 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
Originally Published on September-09-2001 http://www.uexpress.com/coveringthecourts/viewjk.cfm?uc_full_date=20010909&uc_comic=jk&uc_daction=X