One of the great plot elements in Homer's Illiad is the refusal of Achilles to join the siege of Troy after Agamemnon takes possession of the girl that Achilles had captured. Here is a slightly updated telling of that episode.

That mighty scourge of Hector's hordes sat sulking in his tent,

But hearing Agamemnon's plan his anger had to vent:

"You toss us all your table scraps and last week's rotten meat,

And think that then I'll scrape and bow and kiss your stinking feet!

You think I'm here for glory or to fend the Trojan licks

From off the back of Ajax? No, I'm just here for chicks.

You think your vapid posturing got me to make the journey?

Surprise, old man! the truth's a sham - I'm here because I'm horny!

These other clowns might want renown but whenever I hoist sail

The only thing that sets my jib is thoughts of grabbing tail.

But now you've plucked my only prize - that dainty bit of skirt;

So to hell with all your battle plans - I think I'll just desert."

©1996 All rights reserved by the author