Quotes from Groucho Marx:

  1. "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
  2. "I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."
  3. "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
  4. "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
  5. "Go, and never darken my towels again."
  6. "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
  7. "My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one."
  8. "It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
  9. "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
  10. "I  must confess, I was born at a very early age."
  11. "Women should be obscene and not heard."
  12. "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
  13. "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
  14. "A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
  15. "I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
  16. "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
  17. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
  18. "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
  19. "Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"
  20. "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
  21. "He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
  22. "A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."
  23. "Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."
  24. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

Maintained by: G. Lasio


glasio@uci.edu

Last update: 5/23/01